Preliminary review of "The Da Vinci Code": more like the Gay Vinci Code. Or, perhaps, the Da Sucky Code. Or, maybe, the...uh...Da Vinci Toad. I will admit that last one was a reach, but I did want to express by disappointment in the film. A reasonable description would be that the story ran out before the film did. The bad guys are eliminated and the big puzzles are solved with more than thirty minutes left; for that last half-hour, the movie sort of hangs over your head like a lumpy wet blanket. Not pleasant.

Here's the beginning of a play I wrote for a Drama Journal:

Characters: Zookeeper, Elizabeth, Peter Sellers aka Inspector Clouseau
Setting: A Paris Zoo

ACT 1:

Scene 1

Z: Darnit, Elizabeth, why can’t you be more agreeable!

E: I am who I am, George!

Z: But for God’ sakes, we’re in Paris! Americans have spent centuries building great zookeeping reputation, and it’s taken you five minutes to ruin it!

E: That gorilla was deliberately throwing dirt at me! What else was I supposed to do?

Z: I don’t know, call a zookeeper, or just walk away! Anything but mace the poor thing!

E: Oh I see! You care more about the gorilla than me! I’m the one with dirt on my new shirt!

(Enter Peter Sellers)

P: Excuse me, I am looking for a Madame Elizabeth Lane?

E: I think you have the wrong person

Z: No dear, remember that you took my last name after we got married?

E: Oh…. right… Yes, that’s me.

P: Well zen, I have a massage for you

Z: I beg your pardon?

P: A massage, yes. It says… ahem, “Dearest Elizabeth, I have somezing to confess. I loove you. I have always looved you. Not a day goes by zat I do not think about you. Please, give me one more chance. Meet me behind ze Marmoset building at zree o clock. Zey say zat Paree is ze city of loove. If zere is any truse to zat, run away with me. Zine evermore, mosst dear Elizabeth, Frahnk.”

Z: Elizabeth, what is the meaning of this? We’ve been married for two days and you’re already leaving me!

E: For God’s sake, George, I’m not leaving you. I dated Frank in high school, and he never really got over me leaving him. I think he’s gone crazy. I should at least meet him.
Z: I don’t know about…

(Inspector Clouseau Interrupts)

P: Spoken like a true lady!

Z: I beg your pardon??

P: Ve shall go at once!

(Exit)

Let me direct your attention to the key phrase of this story:

"Officer Will Thompson said he pulled the car over because he noticed the passenger had no legs."

In blog terminology, we call something like that a keeper.

Well, Flying Sphagetti Monsterists should be happy to know that piracy on the high seas does still exist. I mean, does still exist, ARRRR! I do think, though, that it's rather unsporting of the pirates to be using rocket launchers. If you're going to be a pirate, why only go halfway? Switch your rocket launcher for a cannon, and then you'll see what piracy is all about.

Let me be truthful: I like things that are cute. I have nothing against good cuteness. Let me be equally truthful: these dogs are not "good" cute. They are "nauseating" cute. In this sentence, "nauseating" should be taken to mean "they look like a cross between a dog and one of those bug-eyed fish you can buy if you're feeling too wild for goldfish."

I saw that people had left comments on some of our posts, which greatly excited me. It was proof that people were not only reading our blog, but they were actually taking us seriously enough to grace us with their thoughts. "Wow!" I thought "This blog is finally getting somewhere! All my wildest dreams are coming true!" (When speaking with myself, I often find my speech trending towards exaggeration.)

But then I saw it was just the same sort of spam that pops up on every blog's comments. And thus my dreams were crushed like a gnome by an 18-wheeler.

KNEEL, CRETINS! YOU ARE UNWORTHY TO BASK IN HIS NOODLY PRESENCE!


Yes, I know everyone (everyone online, at least) already knows about this. But this has never stopped me.

Politicians are fond of making promises that they have no intention of keeping. We all know that; they guarantee us things like "health care" and "tax relief", and they never deliver. Of course, no one ever calls them on it, because how can you prove they haven't gotten it for you?

But one Sri Lankan politician is different. He offers honesty. He offers accountability. He offers a cow to everyone if he is elected.

This raises an interesting question in my mind. What if a family doesn't want the cow? Will government operatives kick in the door and shove the cow in, screaming "HERE! TAKE IT!"

It's these sort of questions that keep me up at night.

Now, if you were this man, wouldn't you rather keep this case secret instead of making it into a big deal? Please let me know, because perhaps I'm missing some essential part of the story. You know, the part that would make someone want everyone to know...well...

Ok, the music is really cool, but the music video is twice as really cool. (this one for WMP)

Lucas took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Feels exhausted by conflict and quarreling and des..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

I think this is half right... in an oddly correct way

OK, tell me if I was dreaming when this happened (I wasn't, that was just to prepare you for something wierd)

So, Im thirsty. I go to a 65 cent Coke machine. I put in a dollar. Once I put the dollar in, 70 cents come out the change despenser. I'm like, wtf?, but I push the Vault button anyways. Nothing comes out. Im like, wtf? again, and I mash a bunch of buttons. A coke pops out. Now I'm freaked out. So I figure, Ill use that 70 cents the machine gave me and get a Vault, the one I wanted. I pop the 70 cents in, 30 cents come back out. I press the Vault button, nothing happens. I mash more buttons, and ANOTHER COKE COMES OUT!!!!! Ok, so long story short, I spent a dollar on a Vault, and ended up getting two Cokes for 70 cents. I say again: wtf?